When I was a kid, I was curious about everything.

I like to look at the sky and see the thin clouds drifting into the distance. I wonder if there are gods living in the sky.

I like to look at the sea and see the cascading waves splashing with waves. I wonder if there is a dragon palace built on the bottom of the sea.

The teacher taught me to ask if I didn’t understand. I asked, but he didn’t know how to answer, and left a sentence: “You will understand when you grow up.”

I don’t understand what growing up is, but my neighbor’s brother told me that growing up means becoming mature.

So what is maturity? This problem is buried deep in my heart, like a young seed, breaking out of its shell and sprouting, accompanying me at every stage of my life, but suddenly sprouting green leaves at a certain moment, which makes people unprepared.

Then the saplings grew into towering trees. When I came back to my senses, I thought I should be grateful for the cold water that life poured on me.

I forgot what happened, as if I had an epiphany. I realized that maturity itself is a kind of coldness, a kind of helplessness of being alone, and a kind of accustomed loneliness.

1. Being ordinary is a reasonable choice to be alone

I really like Xu Wei’s song "The Past You", and there are a few lines that are very well written:

When I was young, I plunged into the mainstream of society, full of passion and desire to break out of the world. I was like a piece of duckweed fluttering to the ground and struggling, but I couldn't avoid the ending of sinking to the bottom of the sea. In the end, I was still isolated and alone, accepting ordinary defeat. Return.

Those chicken soup articles that I once particularly liked have now been thrown into the trash can, not because I object to the author's views, but because I understand that I am no longer young and those pursuits are not suitable for me.

I remember the playground where I spent my youth, and the rooftop where I drank and made trouble. Every scene seems to be reappearing yesterday, but I can no longer feel the unbridled joy and the pain of crying in my heart.

Not because of letting go of the past, but because of adapting to the present.

Not because of surrendering to life, but because of accepting reality.

I used to talk a lot about youth first and long live success, but now I just feel that living well is worse than living well. I am too lazy to envy those glamorous and successful people anymore. I feel tired just focusing on my own life.

There is a recently popular word on the Internet: "Lie flat", which refers to facing life and choosing an indifferent attitude to look at it.

Some people think that doing nothing is wrong, and that people should live their lives in a carefree and unrestrained way. But being ordinary is not a sin, but a legitimate choice to be alone.

Just like what is said in the movie "The End of Time": "You don't have to be responsible for every passer-by, and you don't have to preach to every passer-by."

2. The older you grow, the more you grow up. , the less I like unnecessary social interactions

I used to like making friends. I was a celebrity on campus. When I returned to the dormitory from the cafeteria, I couldn't stop waving and saying hello.

The same thing happened to me after I started working. I knew everyone I met, and I got along with my colleagues as if they were brothers. We would even call and chat during holidays.

Everyone I met seemed to have no difficulty in talking to each other. I once thought I was a heartthrob, but later I discovered that I was just immature. The vision is shallow, the heart-to-heart communication is only one-sided, the mountains will move and the sea will rise, and human emotions are rich and diverse, but I feel that no one should have changed.

All efforts are self-impressions, all connections will be interrupted unilaterally, and all separations are inevitable choices. The status of emotions will never be equal. Life is about constant gains and losses. The more you pay attention to it, the more you know how to hurt it. I used to keep lowering my bottom line to cater to my friends, but later I realized how unworthy it was.

Friends who once talked about everything have been disconnected for several years. The promises they made when they graduated have turned into empty words as time goes by. Occasionally, I feel regretful and want to take the initiative to chat, but my fingers are on the keyboard. I knocked on it again and again, but I was struggling with how to start.

"Hello" seemed too unfamiliar, and "Are you okay" seemed too familiar. It was different with two more words, and it was different with two less words. Then I realized, maybe don't bother. It's just a blessing.

I have lost interest in gatherings with friends. Everyone talks about the past and does not pay attention to the present at all. The topic is limited to the house and career. If we talk too much, we feel boring. It is not just the tabletop where the cups and plates are staggered. The dishes served also included our friendship.

3. I just want a place to take care of

I don’t pay much attention to my relatives. Even my cousin who lived with me for three years in junior high school, or my cousin who I went to school with in high school, I don’t want to see each other even during the Chinese New Year. Over time, even visiting her becomes troublesome.

Sometimes I also wonder, why am I like this?

Losing contact is just the result of the alienation between the two parties. The more reason is actually the change in mentality. Human nature is selfish. If too many interests are mixed in, the essence of the relationship will be seen through.

I used to think that I was the center of the world, but later I realized that life is not a movie. No one is looking forward to watching you. I am not a big shot, I am just a passerby.

The establishment of each relationship is just about what each person needs at the time. A small imbalance is enough to subvert everyone's cognition. This is true for friendship, and so is family love.

I really want to escape into a human world, so I often have dreams like this:

In the dream, there is a wooden house built on a hill, and a stream flows through the yard. Nourishing a peach tree.

There is often a strong wind blowing, and the wind is mixed with longing, and the longing is tender. It blows the peach blossoms from the top of the mountain, and falls in the lake at the foot of the mountain, creating circles and ripples.

The lake is from the west, and the wind is from the south mountain.

I walked through the forest, stepped on the mottled shadows of the trees, and climbed to the top of the mountain to watch the sunrise.

The path of life will eventually run counter to your wildest ideals. This is something that took me a long time to learn.

My circle is very small, and I only want such a small circle. Parents and two or three friends who care about me are enough. As for other people, I don’t want to care.

I like to have nothing to do and be relaxed. I don’t have much strength on my shoulders and can’t carry many things, so I lost my enthusiasm and innocence and became rational and realistic. I don't have the energy to take care of too much. A small home is the scope of my activities.

When I was young, I thought I was the center of the world, but now I feel afraid of many things. I don’t want too many people to pay attention to me, and I don’t want to pay attention to them.

Perhaps the biggest change when people reach middle age is that their hearts harden.

Being moved will only soften your heart, so you hate being moved. Being together will cause separation, so you hate making friends. The words hidden deep in my heart are not meant to be hidden, because not all pain can be screamed out loud.