1. The tortoise was taking a bath in the river when the toad saw it.

Tortoise: Haven't you seen a beautiful woman like me? Look, your eyes are about to pop out.

Toad: Sister, don't tease me. Can't you see that I have goose bumps?

2. Oriole saw the weasel looking for food and said, "You're a thief sneaking around all day, and you've humiliated Lao Huang's family."

As soon as the voice fell, Oriole was shot down, and the weasel scolded, "Silly X, you don't know how to sweep pornography now!"

3. Dragonfly made a girlfriend "Cicada". Mother dragonfly asked uneasily, what does she do?

dragonfly: that's a singer!

dragonfly mother: a singer? I used to dig a tunnel!

4. An ant quarreled with the crow in the tree!

Ant: Come down if you have the guts!

crow: come up here if you have the guts!

ant: ok! You wait for me, you'll see!

crow: what do you want?

ant: I'll ask all my brothers to shake you down and kill you at once!

5. Two dung beetles are discussing the welfare lottery. A dung beetle: If I win the grand prize, I will buy all the toilets in 51 miles of Fiona Fang and eat enough every day!

dung beetle: you are so vulgar! If I win the lottery, I will pack a living person and eat fresh food every day!

6. The male butterfly sings to the female butterfly, "You are my lover, a woman like a rose!" After singing, I flew to pick roses.

Then there was a scream, and the mother butterfly sang, "Honey, fly slowly, be careful of the thorny rose in front!"

7. A pair of ducks went to the river to play and saw the frog couple hibernating in the cave on the river bank. Drake: Look, how happy. Mother duck to drake: don't look, it's a big boss, living in a villa, honeymoon, let's never think about it in this life!

8. On the first day, the little white rabbit went fishing by the river, caught nothing and went home.

The next day, the little white rabbit went fishing by the river again, but still caught nothing and went home.

On the third day, when the little white rabbit just arrived at the river, a big fish jumped out of the river and shouted at the little white rabbit:

If you dare to use carrot as bait again, I will crush you to death!

(1) A village head went home after drinking too much and mistakenly entered the pigsty. He lay beside the sow and said, Wife: Give me a glass of water. The sow snorted. The village head said, if you don't pour it, you won't pour it. What are you sprinkling? Feel it casually and say: buy leather clothes, or double-breasted it.

(2) When the old couple went to take photos, the photographer asked, "Do you want to measure light, backlight or full light?" Grandpa said shyly, "I don't care. Can you leave a pair of underpants for your aunt?"

(3) One day, a barber beat a candied haws seller, and went to the police station and asked the barber: Why did you beat the candied haws seller? The barber said: * * *, I was in the room perm my hair, and he shouted "Burn it" outside

(4) A man was constipated when he went to the toilet, and suddenly he saw a man rushing in, and suddenly it was stormy. "Dude, I really envy you, so fast." "I envy you, I haven't had time to take off my pants yet!"

(5) When a foreigner was visiting Laiwu, he met an old lady teasing her cat and asked, What are you doing? The old lady replied: ancient smashing cat! Foreigners are frightened, even the elderly can speak foreign languages! Give it chocolate, the old lady thought it was dried sweet potatoes and said: I have it in Laiwu! Foreigners faint!

(6) The butterfly said to the bee: You are so stingy. You pretend to be full of sweet words but you won't give me a word. The bee said: Hum! Still talking about me, why didn't you send me a text message with two antennas so long on your head?

(7) {Peer} dung beetles is in love with a mosquito, and dung beetles: "What is your occupation?" Mosquito: "Nurse, what about you?" Dung beetles smiled: "Fate, peer, I am a Chinese medicine pinch pill."

(8) Husband: What time is it? Wife: Ten o'clock. Husband: Is it sharp? Wife: It's too early. No one else is sleeping! I mean ten o'clock sharp? Wife: At eleven o'clock sharp.

(9) The young couple fought and threw a pillow downstairs. A beggar happened to pass by and was very happy. Then he flew off a quilt. The beggar was ecstatic and cried upstairs with tears: Eldest brother upstairs, be kind and throw that woman down, too.

(X) Wife: Do you want to exercise in the evening? Husband: I've always thought about it, wife: Then don't say you're tired after work, but you can't fool around at night. Husband: You must, wife: Wash all my clothes that night.

(11) A young woman took out the garbage, accidentally slipped in the garbage dump, and was about to get up. She was held in her arms by an old man who picked up junk. The old man said with emotion: City people just can't live, so such a good daughter-in-law said no.

(12) A big toe suddenly turned green, and the doctor diagnosed it as cancer, so he removed it. A few days later, his second toe turned green. After removal, three days later, the soles of his feet turned green, so he had to be transferred to a big hospital. Finally, the expert consultation diagnosed that the socks faded.

A farmer drove his donkey into the city, and the donkey ran a red light, and was fined 11 yuan. The old farmer drank the donkey: "You think you are a military vehicle! Red lights also dare to smash. " Within a few steps, the donkey knocked over a fruit stall again, and lost 211 yuan. The old farmer is even more angry: "Do you think you are an industrial and commercial city manager? You can lift whoever you want." The old farmer took the donkey home and passed by a grassy field. The donkey chewed the grass and was punished by 31 yuan. The old farmer was very angry and scolded, "Do you think you are an inspection team going to the countryside? You can eat wherever you go!" After the old farmer scolded him, he took the donkey to the river to drink water, but the donkey was stubborn and refused to drink. The old farmer got angry: "You think you are a rich man, and you won't drink without a young lady." The donkey turned around and ran, drying a fishing net on the shore, and the donkey broke it. The fisherman claimed compensation from 511 yuan. Tears welled up in the old farmer's eyes. "Do you think this is China Telecom? It costs so much to surf the Internet." The donkey turned around and kicked the old farmer. The old farmer reluctantly scolded, "Do you think you are the owner of the group? You can kick whoever you want." The donkey was so angry that he ignored the old farmer and became very silent. The old farmer said, "Do you think this is a QQ group? You can stop talking all day!

2. The boss calls the secretary: I will accompany you to Beijing to play these days. You are ready to

The secretary calls her husband: I will go to Beijing for a meeting with the boss these days.

The husband calls her lover: My wife is not at home these days.

My lover calls the tutor: The teacher has something to do these days, and classes are closed.

The student calls his grandfather: Grandpa, you play with me.

Grandpa calls the secretary: Beijing can't go, and grandson wants me to accompany the secretary to call her husband: the boss suddenly has something to do and doesn't go to Beijing for a meeting.

Husband calls his lover: His wife won't leave, so let's talk about it next time.

The lover calls the tutor: classes will be held as usual these days! ! !

Students call grandpa: 555 teachers say classes will be held as usual these days.

Grandpa calls his secretary: Let's go to Beijing, and you are ready.

3. A beggar knocked on the window and said, Give me some money.

Mr. Wang looked at it and said, Give you a cigarette.

The beggar said, I don't smoke, give me some money. < Give me some money.

Mr. Wang said, well, I'll take you to the mahjong room, and I'll pay, and you can bet. If you win, it's yours.

The beggar said, I won't gamble, so give me some money.

Mr. Wang said, I'll take you to the sauna to enjoy the "one-stop service", and I'll cover all the expenses.

The beggar said: I don't prostitute, so give me some money.

The gentleman said: Then get in the car, and I'll take you back to show my wife what a good man who doesn't smoke, drink, gamble or prostitute can be!

4. Mr. Zhang, who graduated from the police academy, has been married for two years, and always feels that his wife is a little strange and suspects that she is having an affair. One day, Mr. Zhang always found a message from a stranger on his wife's mobile phone, and the content of each message was the same: "Brother Zhao asked you to do something for me." !

at eleven o'clock in the evening, Mr. Zhang caught his cheating wife and the man who was having sex.

Mr. Zhang cursed: You underestimate me. Do you think I don't understand that message? I'll help you take off your bra at 11: 31

5. The tortoise wants to eat zongzi during the Dragon Boat Festival, so the snail can buy zongzi. After two hours, the snail hasn't come back yet, and the tortoise scolded in a hurry: I will starve to death if I don't fucking come back! At this time, the snail's voice came from outside the door: you fucking say that I'm not going!

One day, the cow gave the donkey a difficult problem, asking which of the two bugs under the word "stupid" is the male and which is the female. The donkey racked his brains, but he still couldn't answer. The cow scolded: What an ass, a man left and a woman right!

2. Seven years after graduation, I finally took on a big project to build a 31-meter chimney. The construction period was two months, and the cost was 311,111 yuan, but it needed to be funded. It was finally finished at the end of last year. Today, people went to check and accept, and they were scolded to death, and they still had no money. Shit! The drawings are upside down, and people are going to dig a well!

3. A drunk accidentally fell from the third floor, attracting passers-by, and a policeman came over: What happened? Drunk: I don't know, I just arrived.

4. The doctor asked the patient how the fracture happened. The patient said, I felt there was sand in my shoes, so I shook my shoes with the telephone pole. Some fucking asshole passed by, thinking I was electrocuted, so he picked up a stick and gave me two sticks!

5. On a certain day, turtle's father, turtle's mother and turtle's son decided to go for an outing. They took a Shandong pie and two cans of sea chicken and set off for Yangmingshan. After ten years of hard work, it's finally here! They sat on the floor, unloaded their equipment and got ready for dinner. As a result, I found that I didn't bring a can opener!

turtle son: "... then I'll go back and get it.

turtle dad: "good son! Come on! Mom and dad are waiting for you to come back and have dinner together. Go back quickly! "

turtle son: "Be sure to wait for me! Don't break your word! "

So Son Turtle set foot on his way home ............

Time flies, time flies, and 21 years have passed in a blink of an eye, but Son Turtle has not yet appeared.

turtle mother: "wife ... shall we have dinner first? I'm so hungry that I say ... "

turtle dad:" No! We promised our son! Well ... wait for him for another five years, or leave him alone! "

it's been five years in a blink of an eye, and turtle son still hasn't been seen. Tortoise parents don't care! Parents decided to start.

I took out the pie and was about to eat it ...

Suddenly, Son Tortoise poked his head out from behind the tree ...

Son Tortoise: "Shit! I knew you'd steal! Trick me into getting the can opener? I waited for 25 years, and finally

I waited! I hate being lied to!

6. Xiaoxin: Dad, why are there three golds in my name?

Dad: You are short of gold in your life, so you named it Xin. Just like some people are short of water, they are named Miao, while others are short of wood.

Xiao Xin: Dad, what do you think is missing from Sister Guo Jingjing's life?

7. A pair of boyfriend and girlfriend are sitting on a park bench in love, and the girl suddenly wants to fart.

Say to the man: I am a cereal bird. Does it sound like it to you?

men really want to listen.

So, under the cover of the birdsong of "cuckoo cuckoo", the woman let out a loud fart.

female: does it sound like a cuckoo?

man: the fart is too loud, I didn't hear you clearly!

8. The tortoise is injured. Let the snail buy medicine. After two hours, the snail hasn't come back yet. The tortoise scolded in a hurry: I'll die if I don't fucking come back! At this time, the snail's voice came from outside the door: you fucking say that I'm not going!

9. If someone keeps a pig, he will get bored and abandon it. However, if the pig knows the way back, it will be useless to abandon it. One day, he drove a lot and abandoned the pig. He called his family late at night and asked, "Is the pig returned?" Answer: "I have returned!" Its roar: "Let it answer the phone, I'm lost! "

11. The elephant accidentally stepped on the ant nest, and the ants they nest climbed onto the elephant. The elephant shook its body and the ants all fell down. At this time, there was another one around the elephant's neck, and the fallen ant shouted "strangle it".

11. One morning in computer class, a row of classmates' computers crashed. So a classmate stood up and said, "Teacher, the computer crashed, and our platoon is all dead." At this time, many students said, "We also died." Then the teacher asked, "Who else is not dead?" Only one classmate stood up: "I'm not dead yet!" " The teacher said strangely, "The whole class is dead. Why don't you die?"

12. Before eating peanuts, a monkey should put it in his ass before taking it out. The administrator explained: Someone once fed it peaches, but the peach core couldn't be pulled out. The monkey was scared. Now it must be measured before eating.

13. Xiaoming: "Dad, am I a stupid child?"

Dad: "Silly boy, how can you be a silly boy ..."

14. Tell a story: "Once upon a time there was a eunuch ................"

Someone couldn't help asking, "What's next?"

continue the story: "below? It's gone ... "

15. A man just learned a foreign language, and he accidentally stepped on a foreigner's foot that day. The man quickly said," I'm sorry. "The foreigner also politely said," I'm sorry too. "Hearing this, the man quickly said," I'm sorry three. " The man said helplessly, "I'm sorry five."

16. A letter from the Tang Priest to the Monkey King

Dear Wukong:

I wrote this letter very slowly, because I know you can't read quickly!

We have rained twice this week, the first time for 4 days and the second time for 3 days!

Did you have a good time in Huaguoshan? I have a bad life in heaven. Because there is no gravity, my stool, urine, tears and nose can't fall off. Do you think it's bitter?

The beef noodles here are delicious. Let's go to the restaurant in West Street to eat hot pot when you come another day!

Your Guanyin elder sister is going to have a baby, so I don't know whether you want to be an uncle or an aunt for the time being because I don't know whether it will be a boy or a girl!

have you received the clothes I sent you? I was afraid of being overweight when I was going to post it, so I cut off the button and put it in my pocket!

It's late. Come to my place to play when you are free. Remember not to drink more water, otherwise it will be very uncomfortable if you can't pee here!

P。 S wanted to send you money, but the envelope was stuck!

17. A patient with indigestion complained to the doctor: I have been very abnormal recently. How can I get back to normal if I eat and pull what I eat, cucumber and watermelon? The doctor is silent for a moment, then you can only eat shit.

18. When someone went to Shanghai on business and lost a dollar in the street, the policeman said, "We will definitely help you find it." When the man went again one month later, the street where he lost his money was dug up for road construction, and he couldn't help sighing, "Shanghai is the truth."

19. One day, an ant was sunbathing, and suddenly he saw an elephant coming slowly, so he got up and straightened his front legs. The rabbit next to him asked what you were doing. The ant said, "Shh ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Keep your voice down and watch me kick him."

21. The earthworm family was bored this day, so the little earthworm cut himself into two pieces to play badminton. Mother earthworm thought this method was good, so she cut herself into four pieces to play mahjong. Father earthworm thought about it and cut himself into minced meat. Mother earthworm cried and said, "Why are you so stupid? You'll die if you cut it so badly! " Father earthworm said weakly, "... I suddenly want to play football

21. The tortoise and the rabbit race ... The rabbit quickly ran to the front ... the tortoise.