There is a son-in-law with dementia. His father-in-law died, and his wife taught him how to mourn one by one at home. For fear of forgetting, he said it again and again all day.
On this day, he went to his father-in-law's house to attend the funeral, and on the way he met a river blocking his way. He took off his shoes and socks and walked over. As a result, he lost a sock in his panic. At this time, the sound of the turtledove in the forest made him uneasy. He forgot all the funerals he had been chanting from time to time, and casually read "Goose, Goose".
When I came to the mourning hall, I saw him standing with the sock-wearing foot, and the sock-free foot was squeezed in his trouser leg, shouting "Goose, Goose." The filial sons in the mourning hall couldn't help laughing when they saw his strange appearance. I don't know why the dutiful son laughed at him at the moment, so he shook his head and said:
"Don't laugh, don't laugh! If you find my socks, give them back to me quickly. "
Wang Rong's wife often calls Wang Rong "Qing". Wang Rong said to her: "It is not solemn for a woman to call her husband" Qing ",so don't call me that in the future."
Hearing this, Wang Rong's wife immediately leaned into Wang Rong's ear and said loudly, "I love Qing, so my name is Qing;" If I can't be called Qingqing, who deserves to be called Qingqing? "
Since then, I have to let my wife call herself "Qing".
Qi Jinggong said to Yan Zi, "There is a piece of red water in the East China Sea, and there is a jujube tree in the water that only blooms but does not bear fruit. What is the reason? "
Yan Zi replied, "In the past, Qin Mugong visited the geographical boundaries of the world by dragon boat. He once wrapped some steamed dates in yellow cloth and dropped the cloth when he arrived in the East China Sea. Because it is yellow cloth, the water is dyed red; Jujube is steamed, so the jujube tree that grows only blooms and does not bear fruit. "
Qi Jinggong listened to Yan Zi's coherent answer and said with a smile, "I'm just joking and asking casually." Yan Zi also smiled and said, "I heard that there is a saying: fake questions, fake answers. I just answered at random. "
There was a man in the state of Chu. His family was poor, but he spent all his time thinking about wealth.
One day, when he was reading the book Huai Nan Zi, he saw a sentence on it, "You can be invisible when the cicada comes" and suddenly became interested. So he ran to the tree and looked up intently for the leaf that mantis used to hide when catching cicadas. The leaves fell with the wind and mixed with the original ones. The man couldn't tell them apart, so he swept all the leaves together and carried them home in several buckets.
Holding a leaf in his hand, he asked his wife, "Can you see me?" The wife said several times that she could see. In this way, the wife finally got impatient with the question and said angrily, "I can't see it!" " "
The man was very happy to hear this. He thought that the leaves were really invisible, so he hurried to the market with the leaves and took people's things directly in front of them. Officials immediately went up and tied him to the county government to plead guilty.
Hearing this man's confession, the county magistrate was amused by his absurdity and let him go without curing his crime.
Ancient Humor Short Stories 5 There was a man named Tao Qiu in Pingyuan County who married the daughter of Bohai Motai. His wife is young, beautiful and talented. Tao Qiu respects and loves her, and their feelings have always been very good.
Later, his wife gave birth to a boy, and at the full moon, Tao Qiu sent her back to her family. He was unhappy when he saw his mother-in-law at her house.
When his wife came back from her parents' home, Tao Qiu was anxious to drive her back.
The wife didn't know what crime she had committed, so she asked the reason very grievance. Tao Qiu said, "I think your mother is old and ugly, worse than before. I'm afraid you will be like this in the future. So I want to send you back to your mother's house, for no other reason. "
There is a scholar's wife in Beijing. She is very jealous of her husband. When she was young, she used harsh words. When she was old, she hit her with a pestle. She often uses a long rope, one end of which is tied to her husband's foot and the other end is held by hand, so that she can make a phone call at any time. The scholar couldn't bear it, and asked the witch to help him out privately. The witch told him this and that again.
The scholar came home and went to bed at night. When his wife fell asleep, he crept out of bed to go to the toilet, untied the rope on his foot, tied it to a sheep he had brought in advance, and then climbed over the wall to escape. The shrew woke up and didn't see her husband, so she pulled the rope hard. As a result, she pulled a sheep. She was so scared that she consulted the witch. The witch took the opportunity to say, "You have a lot of grievances on weekdays, and your ancestors appeared to blame you, so you punished your husband for becoming a sheep. If you can try to repent from now on, I can still pray for you. " Hearing this, the shrew cried with the sheep in her arms and regretted it. She immediately vowed that she would never be jealous of her husband again. The witch mysteriously asked the woman to fast for seven days and asked the whole family, old and young, to hide in the house and not to peek. Witches set up incense tables, sacrificed ghosts and gods, pretended to cast spells, and restored sheep to human form.
The scholar hid in the dark for a long time. After receiving the instructions from the witch, he let the sheep go quietly and stood up slowly. When the woman finally met her husband, she was excited for a while and repeatedly asked, "It must be hard enough for you to become a sheep for so many days?" The man couldn't help laughing in his heart, pretending to be very sad, and said very grievance: "Until now, I still have a dull pain in my stomach when I think of the weeds I ate as a sheep." Hearing this, the woman felt even more sad. From then on, she took care of her husband in every way and never envied him again.
Once upon a time, there was a family where three brothers were very grumpy and always chattered. On this day, the three brothers got together to drink and made an appointment: "Just the three of us, it's embarrassing to be heard by outsiders! We agreed today, and it will be smooth in the future, and no one is allowed to recite it again. Violators will be fined three times after drinking. Forget it now. "
Before long, the boss spoke. He said, "The well in the street was stolen by people at the end of the street last night." The second child rolled his eyes and pretended to agree. "No wonder the back street was full of water in the middle of the night last night and people were noisy." The third child didn't know it was a prank, so the old problem came up again. He said reproachfully, "Nonsense! How can the well be stolen? " The boss immediately said, "Look, look, you just said that we three brothers would stop talking, so you violated it, didn't you?" Fine three times, fine three times! "The third son was helpless and had to hang his head and go home to get money. His wife asked him what he did with the money, so he had to tell the truth.
The third child took the money and was about to go out. His wife robbed the money and put him in bed. She said, "You lie in bed honestly, and I'll pay you back." With that, he trotted out of the door. She handed the boss three dollars and said, "Your third brother will have abdominal pain when he comes home, and a boy will be born at five o'clock. He couldn't come the next month, so let me return the money to my eldest brother. " The boss was surprised and said, "You are talking nonsense. How can a husband have children? " The third wife smiled and said, "Brother, you have to talk. I'd better take this money back. "
There is a scholar named Qin who loves antiques. Even if the price is higher, he will try his best to buy it home. Some people also follow one's inclinations and exploit this loophole specially, which makes him suffer a lot.
One day, a man came to see him with a rotten mat, saying that Lu Aigong gave Confucius a seat when he asked about politics. Qin Shihuang was overjoyed and thought it was a rare antique, so he bought it at the price of many fertile fields.
After a while, another man came to the door with an old cane and said, "This is the' cane pestle' that Wang Tai held when he left here to avoid the rebellion of Yidi, hundreds of years earlier than the mat that Confucius sat on! What price should such antiques pay? " Qin Shihuang bought everything in his family.
Not long after, another man peddled the rotten wooden bowl in his hand and said to Qin, "The mat and stick you bought are not antiques. This wooden bowl of mine is made in Xia Jie, which is much older than the Zhou Dynasty. " Qin Shihuang didn't expect to meet such an antique, so he bought a wooden bowl at the price of the house where he lived at that time.
Qin Shihuang got three antiquities, but he ended up without land, clothes and food. However, he is reluctant to throw them away because he has a kind heart. So, Qin Shihuang put on a "funeral seat", holding a "staff of kings" and a "bowl of Xia Jie", begging along the street to make a living, and from time to time shouting:
"Food and clothing parents, if you have the money of the nine houses when you were a squire, please do me a favor and give me a penny."
Once upon a time, there was a rich man named Hu Xintian. He had a bad heart and was stingy with the poor. One day I met Wen San and said, "Wen San said you can talk about the past." Let's talk about it today. "
Wen Sandao: "Good. Once upon a time, there was a family whose surname was ten and Yu. The tenth surname thinks that his strokes are too few, and there is no such surname in the hundred surnames. He said to the man surnamed Yu,' You don't have to keep your mouth shut. Gu, if you give me a word, I can also return all my surnames to the Sect.' My surname is Yu, so I gave him the words next to it. My surname is Yu, so I agreed. But this person is still not satisfied. He said,' In-laws, I still have too few strokes of this ancient character. Please give me the words of the month and let me be stupid! When Yu heard this, he was furious and said, "Are you going to dig up my bottom? "You really have a bad heart!" "Hu Xintian asked bored.
10 A man suddenly fell ill at night. He hurriedly asked his servant to drill a fire and light candles.
It was late at night, and it was dark. The servant didn't make a fire for a long time, but the master urged him again and again.
Then, the servant said angrily, "It's outrageous that you are in such a hurry." It's getting dark now. Why don't you make a fire and take a picture of me? In that case, wouldn't it be easy for me to find a fire drill? "
Ancient humorous short stories 1 1 In the land of Shu Han, a man came to wuyue. His master cooked bamboo shoots to entertain him. He ate with relish and asked what it was. His master told him, "This is bamboo."
The man came home and cooked the bamboo mat in the pot, but it was not cooked. He said angrily to his wife, "The people of Wu lied to me like this! Really annoying! "
Ancient humorous short stories 12 An old man bought very expensive paper on his 80th birthday and asked the writer Liu to write a birthday couplet. Liu listened and said, "When will you be born?" The old man smiled and said, "November 1st." Liu wrote on the paper:
November 11
The old man could not help secretly complaining, but did not dare to make any noise. Liu asked the old man how old he was, and the old man replied, "Exactly 80 years old." So Liu went on to write the bottom line:
Eighty spring and eighty autumn.
Once upon a time, there was a businessman. After his parents died, they were buried together. Because he didn't know the rules, he buried his father in the west and his mother in the east by mistake. Later, after being reminded, the merchant decided to correct it, but it was not easy to move the grave, so he set up two stone pillars in front of the grave and prepared to ask someone to write couplets on them for correction. All the local China scholars were invited, but they all said they couldn't. Finally, I invited a Jinshi. Jinshi smiled and said, "Then try it." Then put pen to paper and wrote:
Never left.
Why do you want to divide things after death?
People who used to read this couplet called it good.
One night, Su Dongpo and his friend Fo Yin went boating on the river. Suddenly, Su Shi pointed to the left bank and then to Fo Yin, smiling without a word. When Fo Yin looked at it conveniently, he saw a yellow dog gnawing at a bone, and suddenly realized that he would dip the cattail leaf fan with Su Dongpo's poems in his hand in water. Two people four eyes relative, can't help laughing. It turns out that this is a dumb couplet:
Su Shi: Dogs gnaw at bones by the river (monks)
Fo Yin: Liu Shui Dongpo's corpse (poem)
Legend has it that there was once a poor scholar who couldn't afford a wife. He lives alone, but he is strong-willed and aggressive. He often writes complaints for the aggrieved and is hated by the gentry. Once, someone falsely accused a poor scholar, and the county magistrate arrested him and made a pair. The time was limited to one to ten, otherwise it would be dealt with severely. The first part of the county magistrate is:
Yunsuo Mountain, which peak dares to come out?
The words sound just fell, poor scholar without thinking, freely to the bottom allied:
It is difficult for this bachelor to walk through the wall every day.
Say that finish, turn around and leave. The county magistrate was dumbfounded.
Ancient Humorous Short Stories 16 A teacher scratched in the sun, and when she saw the students passing by, she sent a couplet for the students to answer:
Grab, grab, grab, grab, grab, grab, grab, grab, grab, grab, grab, grab.
Knowing that the teacher deliberately stumped this difficult problem, the students were anxious and said, "Sir, aren't you in a hurry to kill me?" Seeing that he was not worthy, Mr. Wang said, "Then go to hell. I will be glad that you are dead. " As soon as Teacher Wang finished speaking, the students set a bottom line:
Life, death, death, life, death, death, death, death, death, death, sir.
Better go early.
In the Qing dynasty, a big official was transferred to another province to take charge, extorted money, pocketed it, and scraped off all the fat and cream of the people. Someone wrote a joint gift:
Leave a day early, and every day has eyes.
Leave this place without skin.
Once upon a time, a son read some books and often liked to play tricks on others. One day, when he went out to play, he saw a young woman scouring rice on a wooden bridge near the water, so he came up with a pair of couplets to flirt with:
If there is wood, it will be a bridge. If there were no wood, I would miss Joe. If I go to Mujia to meet a girl, I will be charming. Gillian will avoid me. I love Gillian best.
After listening to this, the young woman felt disgusted, wanted to think, and gave a pair of couplets:
If there is rice, there is food, but if there is no rice, it is good. You go to dinner and add a woman, and you will become a mother. Although I love my son, my son is not filial to my mother.
The scholar wanted to take advantage, was humiliated by the young woman, and asked for it.
18 The son of a rich family went to take the exam. His father gave him an exam in advance and got good grades. He thought he would be admitted, but his son's name was not on the list.
Father hurried to the county magistrate for trial. The magistrate turned to look at the scroll and saw a faint mist on it, but there were no words. As soon as dad got home, he scolded, "Why is your paper so ugly?" My son cried and said, "No one grinds ink for me in the examination room, so I have to dip my pen in water and write on the inkstone."
19 There was an old lady with several beads in her hand, chanting Amitabha, Amitabha, and shouting, "Han, Han, there are too many ants in the pot. I hate it. Please burn them with fire for me. "
Then read: "Amitabha, Amitabha." Then he shouted, "Han, Han, help me take the ash off the bottom of the pot, and don't use your own dustpan, because if it burns out, you can borrow it from your neighbor's house." Remember, remember. Amitabha, Amitabha. "
A man complained to the county magistrate, "I lost a hoe tomorrow, please go and have a look." The county magistrate asked, "you slave! I lost my hoe tomorrow. Why didn't you report it yesterday? " The beadle beside him couldn't help laughing.
The magistrate immediately closed the case and said, "You must have stolen the hoe! What did you steal? " The deacon replied, "I want to get rid of that idiot."
Ancient Humor Short Stories 2 1 There was an old man, rich and full of children and grandchildren. On the occasion of his centenary birthday, the house was crowded with birthday guests, but the old man was very unhappy.
Everyone asked him, "You are so blessed, what are you worried about?" The old man replied, "I'm not worried about anything, but I'm worried that hundreds of thousands of people will come to congratulate me when I celebrate my 200th birthday. How can I remember them one by one? "
A man is playing outside the door with his son in his arms. The neighbor jokingly said, "The blood of father and son really comes down in one continuous line. Just look at your son. His face is really the same as mine. "
The man holding the child said, "Yes, you and the child are brothers born to a woman. How can your faces be different? "
There are two villains in ancient humorous short stories. Both of them have poisonous sores on their backs, so they seek medical treatment.
After reading one, the doctor looked at the second one, pretended to be scared and said, "His heart is worse, but it can be cured." Your heart is so bad and rotten, how can I cure it? "
One day, the sparrow invited the birds to drink.
It said to the kingfisher, "If you wear such bright clothes, naturally please sit on the table." He said to the eagle, "although you are big, you have to be wronged to sit at the next table in black and ugly clothes." The eagle replied, "You slave, why are you so snobbish?" ! "The sparrow replied," No one in the world knows that I am a small-minded sparrow. "
A beggar came back from Beijing and boasted that he had seen the emperor. Others asked him, "What clothes does the emperor wear?"
Answer: "I wear a hat carved from white jade and a golden robe."
Q: "How can you bow in a golden robe?"
The beggar spat at him and said, "Haha, I really don't understand the world! Now that you are the emperor, who do you bow to? "
Ancient Humor Short Stories 26 When guests enter a store to buy wine, they will say the word "Dun" after drinking, and they will talk endlessly.
Others asked, "I think it's because I drank too much wine." Are you afraid of having loose bowels and going to squat down to go to the toilet? " The man pointed to the glass and said, "No, I just want a chopping block so that I can climb up and not drown in this thin water."
There is a rule in the hotel that any guest who comes to buy wine and eat wine will be punished and tied to a wooden post as long as he says the wine is sour. One day, a Taoist priest walked into the shop with a big gourd on his back. When he saw a man tied to a wooden post, he asked why.
The boss replied, "He cheated me of sour wine, so he was fined." The Taoist priest said, "Please give me a cup to taste." The shopkeeper brought the wine, and the Taoist priest took only one sip and ran away in a hurry. The boss was very happy because he didn't say the wine was sour. He cried, "You forgot the gourd." The Taoist priest ran away and said, "I don't want it. I don't want it. You can keep it as a vinegar sign. "
Ancient Humor Short Stories There was a family in Huizhou in the 28th, who had been litigating with others all the year round. They were both resentful and bored.
On New Year's Eve, the father and son discussed: "We should all say something auspicious next year, so as to bless the good luck in the coming year and avoid lawsuits." The sons said, "Dad, you say something first." Father said, "Good year." The eldest son replied, "Less bad luck." The younger son also said, "No lawsuit." They asked someone to write a banner with three words (1 1) and put it on the nave, asking their families to recite it in a clear voice from time to time for good luck. Early in the morning, the son-in-law came to pay a New Year call. When he went to the hall and looked up at the banner, the clear voice wrote: "This year is very unlucky, and there are many lawsuits."
The father and son were so anxious that they said, "Bad luck, bad luck!"
A man borrowed 6 taels of silver from someone, saying that the interest would be 5 cents in January and February and 3 taels at the end of the year.
At the end of one year, the borrower asked the creditor to repay 4 yuan's money and exchange it for an IOU of 10, and the creditor agreed.
At the end of the second year, according to the calculation of 10 Liang, the interest should be 6 Liang, and the person was unable to repay it, so he asked for another 4 Liang and changed it to 20 Liang IOU, and the creditor agreed.
At the end of the third year, the interest on the principal and interest of 20 taels was 32 taels, and he couldn't afford it, so he asked for 8 taels and another 40 taels of IOUs. The creditor hesitated, and the borrower got angry and said, "You have no conscience! When you borrowed your principal and interest, you didn't count it clearly. All you got was small change. Why are you unhappy? "
There is a fishmonger who picks yellow croaker with vigorous steps. A rich man liked his strong feet and hired him to correct them.
Who knows that he walks in a sedan chair, which is very slow. The rich man asked him strangely why, and the sedan chair bearer replied, "Yellow croaker is afraid of smelly, hurry up." What is "xianggong" afraid of? "
Ancient humorous short story 3 1 A prisoner will be beheaded according to law. When the police tied him up, he unbuttoned his coat, put his hand on his chest and asked him what he meant. He said, "I'm afraid I have a cold. This is not a joke. " On the way to escort, the officer suddenly heard the crow crow, so he knocked on his teeth three times, read the scriptures seven times and asked him what he meant. He said: "Crows crow, which means there will be a quarrel. The purpose of knocking on the teeth and chanting is to avoid competing with others. "
Finally, when he was about to have an operation, he begged the executioner: "Please clean the blade with thick paper. It is said that razors are not clean, and shaving heads will cause sores; If the decapitation knife is not clean, I will get sores in the future. When can I get better? "
Ancient Humor Short Stories 32 Someone bought a monkey, gave it a coat and hat to wear, and taught it to bow, which was very similar.
One day, the host gave a banquet and asked the monkey to perform a bow. Everyone thinks it's cute. A guest offered him wine, and he got as drunk as a fiddler. He took off his coat and hat and rolled off. Everyone laughed: "This monkey looks like a human when he doesn't eat wine, but he doesn't look like a human when he drinks wine."
A criminal who was about to go to court heard that there was a fool somewhere, so he called him out 100 silver and said, "All this money is for you. To buy good clothes and delicious food will greatly touch his wife and family. "
After a while, the government sent officers to check people, please tie them up for me, and they will let you go home in a few days. "Fool see full table bright, hurriedly promised to get the money back. An elder in the neighborhood knew about it and quickly advised, "Give him back the money quickly. If you lose your life, what's the use of wanjin? "The fool said," It's stupid to get the money back and live that hard life again. " The old man sighed and left.
Fools spend money, and the family is very happy. Before long, the official document came and called the fool by name. The officers tied him to the altar and then cut him. The fool cried and said, "I regret not listening to people, even today!" " But I also learned it today. Only this time will you suffer! "
The powerful minister Xiao Shenyang built a new official residence and asked Ji Xiaolan to write a plaque.
Ji Xiaolan began to write the word "bamboo shoots" for him, saying that it meant "loose and gorgeous bamboo branches".
Little Shenyang happily hangs it in the hall. When Emperor Qianlong saw it, he said to Shenyang, "Qing was teased by Ji Xiaolan! Don't you take the word' bamboo shoots' apart and it becomes the word' each straw bag'? " Small Shenyang is in distress situation.
On this day, boss Han finished collecting and bought a bowl of boiled tofu to eat. There is an old rich man across the dining table. While eating cucumber mixed with shredded pork and drinking wine, he proudly said to himself: "The poor are poor, the rich are rich, the rich eat cucumber, and the poor eat tofu."
Hearing this, Boss Han knew that the old rich man was making fun of himself, so he was not anxious or angry. He said to the waiter, "I want 150 plate of shredded cucumber!" "
The waiter said, "There are not so many cucumbers. Besides, why do you want so much? "
Boss Han said, "I bought a wild boar in the collection." The original owner said that this big wild boar loves to eat mixed cucumbers. This is called: the poor are poor, the rich are rich, and boars love cucumbers. Pig drivers can only eat tofu. "
Everyone who ate in the restaurant burst into laughter. The old rich man blushed, picked up the hip flask, drank it in one breath, and ran out of the restaurant despondently.